Your comments for my essay.. please...

[cegon.vanan]

Topic: "Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.


Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position."



Scandals are very much harmful that they can even mar a country's image. They must be considered serious and must never be let to recur many times. Scandals are by no means considered good to tackle with, since there are many other issues going on for any country. Several reasons are considered so as to establish why the scandals do not serve any useful purpose.

First of all, people need to be instructed to get themselves disciplined. If the rules enforced are strict enough for the people to follow, then there would surely be no scandals. If we let scandals happen for the sake of analysis, then the concerned country's reputation might hit the rock bottom. As the saying goes 'Prevention is better than cure', it is better to prevent any kind of scandal from occuring.

The scandals concerned with politics and business often cause huge financial loss. This might prove deleterious and hazardous. The losses incurred by a political scandal can be so huge that recovery can be deemed impossible. The position of a country marked by frequent scandals, goes down in an international level and might even affect the trade between countries.

Many examples can be considered in order to elucidate the harmful consequences of a scandal. The discrepancies in tender and alleged misappropriation amounting to several crores of rupees in The CommonWealthGames scam is a good example for the heavy financial loss incurred. Telecom scams and those scams committed by political parties are also in the rise in several countries.

Even if we let the scandals happen, the reformers or so-called speakers may tend to use the scandals to their own advantage; this situation is possible if the speakers belong to any particular political party. They can even go to the extent of marring the chances of winning of a genuine political party in the forthcoming elections. There are people who focus their attention on scandals with a prime motive to lout money from the innocent people. These factors need to be considered before allowing scandals to occur.

Problems occur in variety of forms and it is nearly impossible to predict the various ways in which a scandal can occur. But given the strictness of rules and regulations and severity of punishments, it is possible to revert a huge scandal from happening. Ofcourse, new types of scandals can take place once in a while but not frequently following a pattern. If a strange scandal crops up, we need to take effective measures to prevent such scandal from happening again. Like this, we can effectively reduce scandals following a pattern.

To conclude, a country has numerous other problems to focus on and scandals are no worthy to gain attention. Thus, scandals must be prevented from taking place wherever possible.

[tommywallach]

Hey Cegon,

Just some general notes:

Essays should be five paragraphs. The first paragraph should be an introduction, in which you lay out the examples you're going to talk about, and make sure you state very clearly whether you agree or disagree with the prompt. You do not have a thesis here. You talk about why we should stop scandals, but that doesn't address the issue of whether or not scandals focus our attention on abuses in a certain system, which is what is at issue here.

The next three paragraphs should each feature ONE SPECIFIC EXAMPLE. DO NOT speak vaguely about political or business scandals. You need to mention SPECIFIC companies and SPECIFIC politicians. You spend far too long speaking about vague ideas, but there's nothing too specific. You also have too many short paragraphs.

Your final paragraph should be a conclusion, in which you wrap things up.

Also, my guess is you're going to want to track down some more training in English grammar and spelling. Consider a writing tutor. Many of your sentences do not make sense, for example:

"The discrepancies in tender and alleged misappropriation amounting to several crores of rupees in The CommonWealthGames scam is a good example for the heavy financial loss incurred." ALSO, with an example like this, you need to give way more details. Your reader is not going to know this example, so it's up to you to give all the background, history, and effect of an example like this.

Or

"There are people who focus their attention on scandals with a prime motive to lout money from the innocent people."

In many places, you use English words incorrectly, such as "lout" here, and "revert" elsewhere. These mistakes will be costly, as your meaning is eventually obscured.

Good luck, and let me know if you have other questions!

-t