Please rate my issue essay..

[faranghees]

Dear Manhattan Prep Staff,
Please review my essay and give me pointers for improvement. Here it goes...

Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. Others believe that government funding of the arts threatens the integrity of the arts.

Write a response in which you discuss which view more closely aligns with your own position and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should address both of the views presented.

The debate regarding government funding of the arts, considering the ramifications and concerns for the threatened integrity of the arts as well as its financial needs and democratic access, is a truly about the complex relationship between integrity and independence. Governmentally funded art forms become accessible to those who would not have the financial means. They can also flourish with the support they receive. On the other hand, they can also become dependent on the whims, power and abilities of the supporting authority. Art should, therefore, be independent and not rely on government funding alone. It should try to self sustain itself, and supplement the financial needs with a more democratic and diverse pool of support.

Arts cannot always be financially profitable. Those that are profitable do not get there overnight. Artists need continued support until their masterpieces are appreciated by the masses and can earn a respectable income. Financial support, whether of the government or a patron, is the lifeline that help an artist or an art form flourish. For instance, the MacArthur Genius Grant offers funding for promising writers and is a great financial assistance to them, allowing them to continue to labor on their arts, uninterrupted by the concerns of basic needs.

Financial support also allows access to the general public who would, otherwise, not have the means. For instance, a government’s funding of the museums would rid the public of an opportunity to visit and appreciate the arts at a fraction of the cost that the unsubsidized museums would charge. Such funding democratizes access as well as promotes artistic development.
On the other hand, such funding can be powerful tools to stifle development and expression. Left at the whims of authoritarian and arbitrary governments, freedom of expression will be compromised, integrity will be threatened, and art form will be subjugated to the wishes of the government. In an example of an unjust government, a dependent art form would not be able to criticize it, question the authority, or speak the truth.

Arts should be independent and not rely on government funding or any authority with the power to promote or stifle it at its whims or abilities. While art cannot always sustain itself financially, be available to all people, or flourish without some form of financial support, this support should not be traded at the expense of independence and free expression. Such support should be democratic and fair – treating all art forms alike, whether they adulate the established authority or criticize it. Unfortunately, our reality dictates otherwise. Arts should be supported by a democratic and diverse funding source, thereby alleviating concerns regarding integrity and possibility.

[cocoshin]

You were really onto something with your introduction paragraph and I was wondering if you only uploaded this essay to show off. (That's a compliment.) However, there were some fundamental flaws with your essay... Since you asked, here you are.

As I said before, I thought your introduction paragraph was great, but I was expecting a cogent thesis statement that delineated each of the main ideas you would tackle in your body paragraphs. Whether you come up with this thesis statement while you are brainstorming or after you have written your topic sentences, it should contain all of your main ideas (in the order you present them) so that you can effectively guide your reader into your essay. Without this, the reader is kind of lost and doesn't really know what to expect, meaning anything can feel like it is coming out of left field.

Your second paragraph does nothing for your essay because it's off topic. This paragraph answers a question regarding whether financial support is needed or not, but the prompt is asking for whether the support should be from the government or not.

The first example in your third paragraph might have been okay if the question were (still) about whether or not the arts need funding, but again, this was a question of whether or not the funding should be from the government. It wouldn't matter if the funding in your example were from the government or from a private donor.

Since you make a significant "change of gears" and that paragraph was pretty long anyway, you should have started a new paragraph for your second example. This is really good support for your opinion, but could have benefited from a more specific hypothetical scenario. Don't be afraid to use exaggerated situations to make your point, as long as they are properly representing what you want to say. You could have described an example of a work of art, such as a video speaking out for suffrage or even a painting of a bear in a tutu and how and why an authoritarian government would ban it.

Your conclusion is pretty good (and somewhat justifies the second paragraph) but you failed to describe what a "democratic and diverse funding source" should be, something that I believe is integral to your essay.

You probably could have benefited from a little more time studying the prompt, turning it into specific questions that need to be answered, and brainstorming/pre-structuring your essay. You need to make sure you try not to include too much information that is out of scope because time spent writing about it is that much less you have to answer the question at hand. Focus is key.

Your sentences themselves for the most part are structured well, you have great sentence variety, essay length, and you make a really good use of advanced vocab (adulate- very nice), so I wouldn't worry too much about improving those points.

Brush up on subject-verb agreement with non-count nouns (nouns for which there is no plural version like "funding") and how and when to use articles (a, an, the, or no article). Study comma usage as well. This kind of info is just a google away. These grammar mistakes were small and didn't obscure the meaning of your writing, but it definitely won't hurt.

I would give this essay a 4 on the basis that I didn't find it to be focused or "well organized". I used this site as a reference. http://www.ets.org/gre/revised_general/ ... criptions/

With more focus, I think you could definitely raise this score to a 5 or a 6 because I think your writing does have a certain kind of flair that makes it stand out.

I humbly submit these suggestions and hope this helps. Good luck.

[tommywallach]

Hey Guys,

First off, if you all don't mind, I think it's best to leave the comments on essays to us instructors. Cocoshin has good points here, but I don't want to get into both giving notes on an essay on also refuting or agreeing with individual points made by others. I love that you're engaged, though!

So I agree with a lot of what Cocoshin said here, but I think he would be surprised how generous the graders are with scores. This is likely slightly higher than a 4, even agreeing with the notes. I'll just add my own two cents here:

The big problem you have here is you don't really take a side, and because of that, it becomes very difficult for you to support in as you'll need to. You seem to believe that arts need funding, but it shouldn't be government, except for when it should, and you go back and forth throughout the essay. Be structured!

Paragraph 1: Your THESIS, in which you agree or disagree with the prompt. Then give an outline of what you'll discuss alter.

Paragraph 2: Example/point one supporting your thesis and why it supports.

Paragraph 3: Example/point two

Paragraph 4: Example/point three

Conclusion: Wrap up and synopsize what you've said.

The writing is solid enough throughout (though be careful not to let long sentences with big words get away from you), but you need a better structure. Again, I agree with a lot of what Cocoshin said, but let's leave the essay notes to the instructors, just so we aren't working at cross purposes.

Thanks!

-t