Please rate my essay or essays (s) with comments

[mrsultanmehmood]

Dear Manhattan Team,

Kindly also give a guess estimate of the score if possible.

ISSUE ESSAY POWER PREP TEST 1
A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

A perfunctory look might make us wrongly conclude that strict adherence to single curriculum can be deleterious for students in the long run as it can breed an atmosphere of dogmatism and not cater to specific needs of individuals. However, based on careful evaluation, especially of the advantages of a single curriculum, I conclude that in the long run that the net effect of a single national curriculum until college can be a advantageous to students.

Of course, we can argue that there is a potential for misuse of the single national curriculum for example when authoritarian regimes inculcate extreme ideologies in the populace; Nazi Germany being a case in point. However, the converse in no panacea either. For example, in my country Pakistan such an approach has backfired where different education syllabi are taught i.e. different curriculum in religious schools, governmental schools and elite private schools. It has created a fragmented and dysfunctional society with no semblance of unity and nationhood. Economic research for example by Paul Collier has shown that one of the reasons for sub-Saharan Africa remaining in abject poverty is the lack of a spirit of nationhood on a larger scale, which ultimately results in ethnic conflicts. Hence, the need for single curriculum to harbor an atmosphere of peace and unity.

But beyond the argument that it might perpetuate dogmatism, one can also argue that such a regime can preclude free thinking where students are taught not according to their strengths and desires but rather through a predetermined curriculum. Nevertheless, if we only implement this single curriculum system until students enter college and make sure that the content of the different subjects exposes students to diverse topics, it might in fact make it easier for students to later specialize the subjects the enjoyed the most later in college.

Related to this, the content of the curriculum can be fine-tuned to enhance cognitive ability of students and hence benefit the student in the long run . OECD research on education policy shows that quantitative reasoning and critical reading can in fact increase cognitive ability in the long run. For example they also showed that that nations whose students performed well in mathematical reasoning and reading skills were able to grow much faster. Hence, an additional long run dividend of increased incomes of the populace in the future, if we implement this kind of single curriculum.
Conclusively, based on the aforementioned reasons, I would argue that if a single national curriculum is engineered carefully by heeding to the aforementioned factors, it would be beneficial at least in the long run to adopt a single curriculum.


"Over the past year, our late-night news program has devoted increased time to national news and less time to weather and local news. During this period, most of the complaints received from viewers were concerned with our station's coverage of weather and local news. In addition, local businesses that used to advertise during our late-night news program have canceled their advertising contracts with us. Therefore, in order to attract more viewers to our news programs and to avoid losing any further advertising revenues, we should expand our coverage of weather and local news on all our news programs."

ARGUMENT ESSAY POWER PREP TEST 1
The business manager of the television makes a flimsy case to bring the air time for local news and weather to earlier levels. He/she relies on vague assertions such as "most of the complaints'' to make her case and draws unwarranted connections for example flight of business owners and local weather. Clearly, more evidence is needed to make a case for greater airtime for weather and local news.

The author argues that once they made a switch to greater broadcast of national news they have had 'most of the complaints' were concerning the station coverage of local and weather news. Firstly, the author is too ambiguous in his terminology. For example, if the complains are that the television devotes too much to weather and local news, than increased broadcast will aggravate not reduce the number of complains. Secondly, it is not mentioned whether large number of complains regarding local and weather news is not a historical phenomenon. For example, the manager can strengthen his argument if the demonstrates that not only most of the complains are regarding this switch but they have increased drastically from previous year.

Furthermore, the authors linking of lost advertisement revenues to this switch is also inconclusive, at least without additional information. For instance, it is possible that advertising contracts are lost for some other reason. such as lower ratings of shows of the television. Weather and local news might have nothing to do with it. The author can add substance to his argument by showing that although their tv shows have had in fact increased rating over the past contracts but still advertising contracts were terminated. Or the manager could cite few instances where local businesses explicitly stated that they had terminated their contracts due to their lack of coverage of local news.
Apart from spurious correlation between advertising revenue and weather/local news coverage. The advertising could be last due to bad economic conditions. In times of recession, businesses usually cut down on their spending, particularly advertising and research. The manager might be better placed in the argument if for example, he could cite that despite the booming advertising industry in the area, their advertising revenues have in fact plummeted.

Conclusively, as the argument stands, the manager memorandum is rife with unwarranted assumptions especially about the link between loss in advertising revenue and local and weather news broadcast. Clearly, he should address the aforementioned points to convince us that the switch back to local and weather news will put the television station back on track.

[tommywallach]

Hey There,

In the future, please post each essay as a separate topic in the main room, labelled as an issue or argument essay. This makes it easier for others to see how people are writing and what the comments are.

Issue Essay: 5-->5.5.

Your work here is great. Your first two points are really solid. Your third one was a little unclear to me. I didn't quite see how it would relate to increased incomes. More clear would be to simply say that a national curriculum could focus on core skills, which are shown to be more important in the long run.

The writing is solid throughout, however, there's a slight whiff of trying a bit too hard to use big words all the time. I would tone that down a little bit. To be clear, it does help your score to be using some big words, but if you do too much of it, it can confuse your meaning a bit, as those big words aren't exactly what you mean ("heeding" for example, when you probably meant "hewing"). Also, a few grammatical errors here and there that would probably have benefitted from one final readthrough.

Argument Essay -- 5.0

Great arguments here, particularly in the first two paragraphs, and I really like your "How to fix it" points. Your third paragraph isn't great here, and I think you missed a major assumption. The end of the argument says they should expand weather/local news on "all programs." Clearly this is a problem, because they only give data on the late-night program, so they're generalizing too much. This is an important flaw, and better than the third one you listed.

Either way, both of these essays are very solid, and your score should be more than good enough for any school out there. Great work!

-t

[mrsultanmehmood]

Hi Tommy!


Thanks a lot for the valuable feed back. I have the exam on Tuesday so will try to post another essay in the coming days on topic im particularly uncomfortable with.
I had two general questions on these GRE essays. Firstly, do I have to cite examples from different subjects or I can rely on different examples but from the same subject e.g. economics in my case. And Secondly, do we have to give at least 3 examples in the issue essay? Sometimes I feel that I can I can write a more convincing essay in the allotted time if I use two elaborate examples (rather than three/four quick examples).

Thanks again! :)

Cheers,
Sultan

[tommywallach]

Hey Mr. Sultan,

Sorry not to respond sooner. Neither of the issues you raise will make a big difference, as long as your writing is clear and your examples are good. A wide range of examples can be great, but I've also read amazing essays where all the examples came from the same sphere, because they were so coherent.

As for having two or three, I tell people to aim for three, but I think two really great examples is almost just as good, so if you're torn, I'd feel safe going either way.

Hope that helps!

-t