Please Evaluate/Rate my Issue Task Essay

[hannolade]

Dear Manhattan Prep staff,

Can you please evaluate my essay? I want to see how I can improve my writing. Thanks!

People who make decisions based on emotion and justify those decisions with logic afterwards are poor decision makers.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position

Essay:
The presence of emotion does not necessarily make a person poor decision maker. It takes some level of deep emotion or passion for someone to commit to and pursue a personal, professional, relational and spiritual goal. Evoking some level of emotion is not necessarily a quality that consitutes a poor decision maker. Emotion shows that someone is passionate about a cause and cares about the well-being of others who are involved in a cause.
When we think about those we aspire to be like, such as Mother Theresa, it was a deep emotion or passion that led her to commit her life to serving the "poorest of the poor" in India. It is deep emotion or desire the causes an individual to want to become the President of the United States or for some to pursue social work or business as a profession.
Furthermore, it is after one is moved emotionally that one has to logically think about the next best steps to take about a decision. Logic is necessary in other for there to be fairness, objectivity as opposed to subjectivity. Having some level of emotion along with logic makes a person a good decision maker and not a poor decision maker.
However, it is important that one is not emotionally consumes with a cause that he or she fails to use logic in addressing the matters at hand. Being emotional and using logic to only push a personal or subjective matter can make an individual a poor decision maker because he or she fails to consider what is best for a team. This approach of being overally emotional can interfere with someone thinking clearly or logically about a situation. It would be difficult for that person to make the best decision that would be beneficial for the team or organization.
Overall, it is important for one to have some level of emotion or passion so that he or she can commit to something long term but this cannot be successful without ensuring that one is being logical about their decisions. Emotional and logical balance is important to being a good decision maker. It makes someone an objective and fair and committed decision maker.

[tommywallach]

Hey There Hannolade,

Some good ideas in here, but overall, I'm afraid this doesn't work yet as an essay. The problems can be broken down into three main categories.

1) Grammar - At present, there are numerous sentences in this essay that don't make grammatical sense. This isn't an issue of style, which the GRE is very forgiving about, but meaning. For example, "Logic is necessary in other for there to be fairness, objectivity as opposed to subjectivity." This sentence has too many errors to make any sense.

2) Structure - I lose track of what you're getting at in this essay overall. Your first step in writing an essay should be to write an outline, preferably of a 5 paragraph essay, with an introduction, conclusion, and three body paragraphs. Each of those paragraphs should be made up of 3-6 sentences, and make ONE solid point in defense of your position. Generally, the final body paragraph should address the details of the prompt (in this case "consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position"). I can't really tell what your paragraphs are about. Also, separate your paragraphs with line breaks so it's clear where they start and end (or use the tab key to indent the first line of a new paragraph).

3) Content - I can't see how the examples you present really support your conclusion. You say a lot of things like "Being emotional and using logic to only push a personal or subjective matter can make an individual a poor decision maker because he or she fails to consider what is best for a team." But you're putting together emotional with non-emotional, whereas you're supposed to be separating them. Also, you say that it means the person fails to consider what is best for a team. Why? I can be emotional and care about the team at the same time. In fact, isn't care an emotion? You don't seem to know exactly what you mean when you say emotion, and it shows in the essay.

Overall, aside from working on grammar, I would encourage you to try to plan your essay as completely as possible before you begin writing it. Make sure each paragraph makes one strong, clear point in support of your conclusion, preferably with a concrete example that you can prove (rather than simply state).

Good luck!

-t

[hannolade]

Thank you Tommy. This review really helps! I have a lot of work to do. Yikes!

[tommywallach]

Happy to help! Keep working, and keep posting here! : )

-t