please evaluate my argument topic

[sreejeshpadmaja]

An international development organization, in response to a vitamin A deficiency among people in the impoverished nation of Tagus, has engineered a new breed of millet high in vitamin A. While seeds for this new type of millet cost more, farmers will be paid subsidies for farming the new variety of millet. Since millet is already a staple food in Tagus, people will readily adopt the new variety. To combat vitamin A deficiency, the government of Tagus should do everything it can to promote this new type of millet.



The discussion is about the introduction of a new millet in response to vitamin A deficiency.Vitamin A is a vital element that is required to carry out various metabolisms in our body. Deficiency of vitamin A has drastic effects on eyesight and other vital senses.

Firstly,there are wide variety of vegetables like carrot,fruits and green leafy vegetables like palak which are rich in vitamin A.So rather than introducing a new millet one can use the existing sources.Moreover invention of new millet takes lot of research work to be done which involves both time and money.As the seeds of the new millet are costly the market price of the millet will also be high.Hence common man can't afford it.

Secondly,as farmer will be paid subsidies for farming the new variety of millet it will be profitable for farmers.Chances are more likely for the farmers to earn maximum profits by farming this new millet.

Finally the statements mentioned in the given discussion are not clear.It hasn't substantiated many questions like why we are going for farming of the new millet.It hasn't given any statistical data comparing the percentages of vitamin A in the existing sources and the new source,the new millet.
Hence clear statistical data is necessary to promote the advantages of farming of new millet.

[tommywallach]

Hey sreejeshpadmaja,

Unfortunately, this will not fly for a GRE essay. I'll just give you some overarching points to consider.

1) Length: An essay should be 4-5 long paragraphs. Intro, three body paragraphs (in which you make ONE point or use ONE example per paragraph), and a conclusion. I can't find the structure here at all. Often you put a bunch of different points in one paragraph, and the conclusion is tough to find. Also, it's way too short overall.

2) Style/Grammar: You have to write in full sentences, including a variety of both short and long sentences. This reads more like an outline, with lots of short sentences that lack clarity: "Hence common man can't afford it."

Your points are good, but the presentation needs work. Try to fit your essay to the structure I mentioned above. Read in the GRE book (or online) what a 6 essay looks like and try to mimic that structure. Good luck!

-t