Issue essay

[kraft79]

I wrote this essay in 30:09. I get an organized outline, but when I start to write, I just freeze . I would appreciate a score that you would assign this essay. I wont hold you to it, but I need to know where I am.

The increasingly rapid pace of life today causes more problems than it solves.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

I agree that the increasingly rapid pace of life creates more problems than it solves. This pace is proving to have negative effects on family values and personal health. Beyond these two issues, the pace of life has created a shift in consciousness. We have become an instant gratification based society. This thinking has decreased peoples patience levels across the board.
The deleterious effects of our lives pace can be seen in the family unit. Eighty years ago there was a solid family ethos that could not be broken. The weeks were dedicated to work and education, but the weekends were a time when family members would gather for important bonding. These days kids spend their weekends bouncing from activity to activity. Many times the parents of multiple children are at separate towns to view their kids sporting events. Activities are important , but there has to be a line drawn when they serve as a wedge between family members.
The second negative aspect of our faced pace life is that the overall health of people is suffering. This rapid pace brings a long increased stress. This stress can manifest itself in working longer hours, meeting deadlines, or travelling greater distances to see clients. This type of behavior leads to decreased exercise ,poor eating, and increased disease. The go,go mentality is teaching people to let go of their personal health in order to get the job done .
The biggest negative effect of society’s rapid pace is that it has caused a shift in how we view the world. These days, people want information very quickly . We have become an instant gratification society. The increase use of mobile devices and the internet justifies a decrease of patience throughout the world. These devices also allow individuals to further disconnect themselves from family,friends, and coworkers.
In conclusion, today’s world is one that is constantly on the go. Not only is this causing a disconnection in the family unit, but is also have negative consequences on our health. It is important to multitask, but the overall mindset of society has become one of instant gratification and a decrease in patience.

[tommywallach]

Hey Kraft,

I'd probably say 3.5 for this. Your ideas are actually really good, but some things get in the way.

First of all, it's all very vague. You say, 80 years ago there was a solid family ethos that could not be broken? Is that really true? And do you really think that lots of sports activities have broken the family ethos. Maybe you do, but it needs to be better proven. Invent a realistic sounding study (yes, you can do this). Say, "A recent article in the New York Times showed that the average family eats only 4 meals a week together, compared to 12 meals a week together fifty years ago." Then you could explain how that hurts people.

Secondly, there a still a lot of grammatical errors/word mistakes that hurt the meaning.

Thirdly, you didn't quite do what the prompt asked, which was to also consider some situations where what you're saying might not hold, or where people might THINK it doesn't hold (i.e. some people would argue that a fast-paced life allows one to maintain relationships with more people, as we are expected to be more socially active through social media, but those people are wrong. The relationships we build online are shallow, and we've lost the experience of actually spending time with someone and the comfort that can provide.).

Hope that helps!

-t