Feedback on argument essay please

[janeyy.m]

An international development organization, in response to a vitamin A deficiency among people in the impoverished nation of Tagus, has engineered a new breed of millet high in vitamin A. While seeds for this new type of millet cost more, farmers will be paid subsidies for farming the new variety of millet. Since millet is already a staple food in Tagus, people will readily adopt the new variety. To combat vitamin A deficiency, the government of Tagus should do everything it can to promote this new type of millet.

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.
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The argument concludes that the government of Tagus should promote the new type of millet for its high dose of vitamin a. Though it may be true that this could be a successful solution for the Tagus people’s vitamin A deficiency, the argument rests weakly on a number of unwarranted assumptions that need to be addressed before the government does “everything it can” to promote the millet.
The argument asserts that the Tagus people will readily adopt the new type of millet because millet is already a stable food, but this is an untenable assumption disregarding external factors that can lead to the people rejecting the new type of millet. It may be likely that since the new millet is high in vitamin a, the market price will also be higher than the old millet. Is this an issue that the Tagus people will forego in order to consume the new type of millet? There may be other sources of vitamin A that the people can turn to that may be cheaper and more easily accessible. The argument needs to address why this new type of millet, above other possible sources of vitamin a, will be readily adopted by the people of Tagus.
The possibility that there may be other sources of vitamin points to the argument’s use of extreme language in its conclusion despite its unwarranted assumptions. The argument posits that “the government of Tagus should do everything it can” for the promotion of the new millet. Why should this new type of millet indeed be the sole focus of the government in resonding to its people’s vitamin A deficiency? What if there are other sources of vitamin A that the government can promote? For the government to solely focus on this new millet without being completely assured that its people will adopt the new millet would be a waste of effort and energy.
The argument also fails to provide evidence that the new millet will successfully grow in Tagus after being engeered by the international development organization. Perhaps the engineering was done in a different country where the weather varies significantly from that of Tagus. Did the international development organization account for the fact that Tagus climate conditions may be different from other parts of the world? Even if the new millet can grow in Tagus, perhaps the level of vitamin a in the new millet may vary according to the natural conditions of Tagus. Before this new type of millet, which costs more than the old, is purchased by the government of Tagus, these questions must be addressed.
Though the provided suggestion of responding to a vitamin A deficiency in Tagus with this new type of millet may be appealing, the argument fails to address important questions about the growth and adoption of this new type of millet in Tagus. Further supports are necessary before the government puts all its efforts and resources into promoting the new type of millet.

[tommywallach]

Hey Janey,

Great start here. You hit most of the right points, and the length is good, but I'd like to see a little more organization. I get the feeling you didn't outline this before you started. After you've read the prompt write down what your three paragraphs are going to be about, and don't deviate. I noticed here that you ended the second paragraph with an idea about other sources of vitamin A, and then you bring that back in the third paragraph.

Also, be careful that you don't directly doubt the facts given in the prompt themselves, but the argument they are used to make. For example, you say in your final body paragraph that maybe the millet won't have more vitamin A because of natural conditions. But they already said that it will have more Vitamin A. You don't need to doubt the premises to make the good point you make there, which is that we don't know for sure that this will grow there.

You also missed a major point, which is that just because people eat the old kind doesn't mean they'll eat the new kind. There could be a difference in taste or smell that people don't like. You make the issue about money, but given that the farmers will be given a subsidy, that isn't necessarily an issue (if you want to talk about money, you should attack the subsidy itself, because we don't know if it's enough to offset the increased cost of seeds--then you could make YOUR point, about the cost being passed onto the consumer).

Let me know if you have more questions!

-t